


can we close the space between us?

by last_holistic_renegade



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Childhood pictures, Established Relationship, Internet Boyfriends, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Movie Night, Series of Oneshots, Time Zones, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, also i suck at writing poetry sorry, also roman is an idiot, but what's new, each of them can be read as a standalone, not beta'ed we die like idiots, patton's friends are jerks, sharing stories, these guys are so sweet omg, will probably add tags as it progresses, will update as i write it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24799234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_holistic_renegade/pseuds/last_holistic_renegade
Summary: “There’s an ocean of distance, between you and me.I feel the miles that separateyour skinfrom my skin,your lipsfrom my lips.But not the salty water nor huge pieces of landcan truly keep us apart.For if I close my eyes,the only heart I can hear beating is yours.”
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton
Comments: 25
Kudos: 39





	1. In the wake of night, I can feel you here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie nights + Time Zones Suck

Most of Roman’s friends met their couples in normal ways. Through a mutual friend, after a party, in a night out at the club. They were beautiful couples, or well, as beautiful as 16-year-olds could be. The stories of how they ended up together were always something memorable, something funny. In comparison, Roman’s story was… odd.

It wasn’t something any of them planned. How could they have? But it happened all so fast that Roman couldn’t exactly pinpoint the moment they became _a thing_. He could say that everything began because of a single tweet. Something about a TV show they all had in common. The user _anxietea_ had posted some “unpopular opinion” and only three other people retweeted it. Which led to a conversation in the comments. Which led to the creation of a groupchat. Soon enough, Roman met three wonderful people that would change his life in unexpected ways.

Twitter user _anxietea_ turned out to be Virgil Blythe, a 15-year-old from New York. The guy always bickered with him. At the beginning he gave Roman a weird vibe, like he was against him all the time. But after many late-at-night conversations Roman got to discover the good heart that was covered in layers of repressed emotions and problems. He saw Virgil for who he really was. Now, the bickering was closer to what he’d call playful banter. It was impossible for him to read the sarcastic messages and sardonic replies without a fond eye-roll at his screen.

If Virgil was all edgy and dark, then Patton was the complete opposite. The guy seemed to be made of rainbows and sparkles, from the moment he wrote the first reply to Virgil’s tweet Roman knew he was _that_ type of guy. In fact, he’d been the one with the idea of creating a groupchat. Now, Roman couldn’t thank him enough. He was sixteen, just like Roman, and lived in a small town in Florida. His big heart and compassion for others drew Roman in from the first _hello_. Every time a message from Patton lit up his phone, he couldn’t fight a sweet smile down.

And Logan… he was something different. From the start, the 17-year-old appeared to be cold. Clinical. Disconnected with the others. Needless to say, they argued all the time. Roman wasn’t used to treat others with such distant manners. The Argentinian culture he’d grown up with wouldn’t let him, anyway. But as time passed and messages were exchanged, Logan began to grow on him. The guy had a good sense of humour, and all that pretentiousness turned out to be the result of a self-imposed pressure to be better. As they warmed up with each other, he got to see the beauty that lived in that usually reserved mind. What once made Roman huff now plastered a cheeky grin on his lips.

After that, it progressed naturally. Twitter DMs became a message groupchat, which slowly turned into skype calls, that later became daily conversations between the four of them. Roman wasn’t sure who was the first one to confess. Probably Patton, thinking back at it. He did remember the excitement that came with it, though. The uncertainty that clenched his insides turning into something closer to a bubbly relief upon seeing the others felt the same.

Talking to these guys felt as natural as breathing. Roman sometimes forgot that people didn’t usually have three partners, especially living so far away. Whenever he got out of his home, he got surprised for a short second that the rest of Buenos Aires wasn’t like them. Still, he wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

Although that didn’t mean he didn’t feel lonely, no sir. Coming from a very affectionate family, and being the romantic that Roman was, having your partners in different parts of the world usually weighted heavy on him. There were times where he wished he could kiss them, hug them, Hell, even just hear their voice close to him. But the four squares in his computer screen constantly reminded him that wasn’t possible.

That’s why they made a set of rules to keep their spirits alive. They had to send at least _one_ message to the groupchat every day, to make an appearance. They had game nights once a month. Regular videocalls for whatever reason — studying, eating, even just to say hello — were mandatory. And Roman’s favourite:

Friday night was Movie Night.

The side-rule was that if someone had plans for the day they could obviously be excused. But Roman would never tell the others that often, he rejected certain events with the sole excuse of seeing those three pretty faces again. His friends understood it. Roman was totally gone for these guys. So every Friday, once the sun had disappeared from the horizon, Roman turned up his web camera and waited until he had those beautiful voices ringing in his ears.

This night was Logan’s turn to choose the movie, and when he said he had the perfect film he _totally_ delivered. Roman had never been one to love robot-themed movies, but Pacific Rim broke any and all uncertain feelings left in him. Virgil and Patton loved it too. As soon as the film was over, they were filling up the Zoom call with many words of praise.

“ _That_ was epic,” Virgil said, reclining back into his gaming chair. Roman had always been jealous of it, it looked _so comfortable_. “That’s how you end a story, damn.”

Roman heard what could only be Patton cooing into the microphone.

“That was so cute,” he said into the white wires strangled between his hands. “I didn’t want to cry tonight.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Roman laughed softly. “You had a tissue box ready by your side the moment Logan mentioned a dog.”

“Listen here, Max was a special dog, okay?” Patton said again, half-jokingly sobbing into the microphone.

Roman heard his laugh being echoed by another one in the call. But Virgil’s smile fell as he focused on something else on his screen.

“L?” he spoke into his speaker. “Are you still with us?”

On the top right corner, Roman could see the outline of a room too familiar for his eyes. The early sunlight filtered through Logan’s blue curtains, making his boyfriend’s shitty camera paint everything in a dim light. It marked Logan’s silhouette perfectly. A head with a barely messy hair resting on bent arms, clever brown eyes shut behind a pair of askew glasses. With the others in silence, Roman could make out the soft noise of a snore.

Logan lived in Campbell, Australia. He was 13 hours ahead of Roman and 14 hours ahead of Virgil and Patton. They had tried to persuade him to switch the time for Movie Nights so it could be in a more comfortable hour, but he’d insisted he could wake up early to avoid ruining the tradition.

“At least I have a reason to be productive in the morning,” he’d assured them with a breath-taking wink.

And most nights, it worked. Roman opened the app at 8 pm, and three gorgeous faces greeted him back. Sometimes, he had dinner while watching the film, while Patton and Virgil prepared their own snacks and Logan made them company with breakfast. Other times, it was just them, three dark squares and a fourth one vaguely lit up, depending on the season.

But there were days when the plan didn’t work as it was expected. Logan was an incredibly strict person, Roman found out, with high standards and many self-applied boundaries. If he wasn’t talking to them, he was either studying or working on a personal project of his. When he got a chance to talk, an entire day had passed by in Campbell. Patton had to use his _look_ to force him to go to bed, claiming they’d see each other in just a few hours.

So yeah, Logan’s sleep schedule wasn’t what one would call ‘healthy’ or ‘reasonable’. That resulted in him falling asleep on them mid-conversation, the hours of work finally weighting down on him. Or in Friday mornings like this one, being lulled by the murmurs of a movie and three other soft voices mumbling right in his ear. Roman knew he wouldn’t last a second awake if it were him.

Virgil sighed, “What time is it for him there?”

“Ten o’clock,” Patton checked his phone.

“Stupid time zones,” the other muttered.

“I’ll wake him up this time.”

Roman grabbed his phone and marked the number he knew by heart. Only seconds later they heard a buzzing coming from Logan’s speaker. It wasn’t long until the boy shook himself awake. At first, he looked disoriented, but when he fixed his glasses and his eyes fell on the screen, understanding and guilt washed over his features.

“Good morning Lolo,” Patton greeted softly. His sweet smile was like a warm hug in a cold night.

Logan returned the gesture, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I fell asleep again, didn’t I?”

They hummed, causing him to let out a disappointed sigh.

“Hey, it’s already too early,” Virgil reminded him. “Why don’t you go to sleep?”

“But I-”

“Need to rest,” Roman completed for him. “We won’t vanish with the morning sun, dear. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

Logan looked down at the desk. He didn’t seem to be fully awake yet.

“Logan,” Patton repeated. He didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t have to. They all knew the gist by now.

“Yes, I’ll better head to bed for a little rest.” Logan smiled sleepily, and Roman had to keep his heart from jumping out of his ribcage. “Good night to y’all.”

“Have a good rest!” Patton said back.

“See you, Specs.”

“Bye Logan,” Virgil hesitated. “And hey.”

Logan turned back at the screen.

“The movie was great,” the younger boy smiled. “I liked the ending.”

Logan snorted. “See you later.”

And his screen went black. Soon, the light was entirely gone, and Roman’s screen darkened considerably. It took some seconds until one of them dared to break the new silence.

“I guess I gotta go for dinner,” Patton sighed. “Talk to you later?”

“As usual,” Virgil smirked.

“Wouldn’t dream of the contrary,” he supplied.

“Okay,” Patton giggled. “See you!”

One by one they disconnected, but even after his computer was turned off and he was having dinner with his family, Roman couldn’t stop thinking about Logan.

The idea behind movie nights was that they got to spend time together. Something to bond over in spite of the distance. But if one of them couldn’t enjoy it, the whole plan fell down to pieces. It wasn’t worth having Logan stay up with them and asking him to get up when the sun hadn’t been out if he was going to be unconscious. And Roman knew he wouldn’t change the routine. Not for his projects nor their arrangements. But how could they share something if one of them wasn’t really there to be a part of it?

As he headed to bed that night, a little lamp lit up in his head. Roman pulled the covers away and reached out for his phone.

_Roman has added Vee to the group “DATE NIGHT”._

_Roman has added Pat to the group “DATE NIGHT”._

Technically, they already had a groupchat for this, with a very similar name. But this time it was different. This one would be special.

 **Vee:** hey, you forgot to add logan.

 _Exactly_.

 **Roman:** yeah, I might have done that…. in purpose??

 **Pat:** Okay…

 **Pat:** Why?

 **Roman:** guys I have an idea

 **Roman:** but I’m gonna need your help.

Scheming wasn’t one of Roman’s fortes, but with the other two’s help they managed to figure out a decent plan. Logan would be proud of them. And he might be, once they were done with it. They only had to wait.

Another week had gone by, and Friday night was just one day away. It was Patton’s time to pick the film, but he’d said he couldn’t make it, that he had another arrangement for that day. Unexpectedly, Virgil had had to cancel too, claiming his mother wanted to go out for dinner because of a promotion at work. Roman could barely push down his smile as he typed his own message.

 **Roman:** yeah, remus and I wanted to see a movie with mum and dad actually so I guess I have to pass this week.

 **Lo:** Alright. Then I guess we’ll have to reschedule for next Friday?

It hurt him a little, knowing Logan had probably cleared his morning for them, but Roman knew this would be a better idea than having him wake up at ungodly hours on a Saturday. It was for the best.

On Friday, Roman eagerly waited. His eyes were stuck on the clock as his thumb hovered over the call button. Once the clock struck 12 am, he pressed down. Soon enough, the Zoom app displayed the four contact pictures. Roman had already given up on fighting his smile down.

Logan squinted at the screen, the only source of light in his dark surroundings. If Roman’s calculations had been correct, it would be one in the morning in Campbell. He knew Logan would stay up, it was just too obvious.

Roman smiled.

“Hey, handsome.”

“Uh… what’s going on?” One eyebrow rose up in his forehead. Gosh, he looked so attractive when he did that.

“Why, can’t we call you without a reason?” Virgil said. The sarcasm was strong in his tone and Roman was _loving it_.

Logan frowned. “It’s 1 am here.” _Bingo_. “Why would you call me this late?”

“Because we missed you!” Patton said in that sweet tone of his. “And we felt guilty for leaving you alone on our plans for tonight.”

The crease between Logan’s eyebrows disappeared, leaving space for a gentle smile.

“There’s no need to worry. I won’t get mad because you had other arrangements.”

Virgil clicked his tongue. “Yeah, but it still sucks.”

“We wanted to repay you,” Roman said. “So, here’s our attempt!”

“You wanted to repay me by potentially waking me up at one in the morning?”

“Cut the crap, we all knew you’d be awake.”

Logan closed his mouth at Virgil’s words.

“Fair enough. Why are all your cameras turned off, then?”

“ _Because_ , we didn’t call to wake you up.” Roman could notice Patton could barely keep his excitement in anymore. “Can we tell him?”

Virgil hummed playfully, “No, not yet.”

“Oh _please_!”

“Fine,” Virgil sighed theatrically. “But Roman gets to say it.”

“Me?”

“It was your idea, after all.” Roman could practically hear the idle shrug.

“Yes, Roman, you gotta tell him!”

“Tell me what?” Logan made them focus back.

Roman chuckled. “I’m glad you asked! After thinking about it…”

“The three of us,” Virgil clarified.

“… we figured you couldn’t stay up and go to sleep late at night…”

“Very bad for your health,” Patton reprimanded him. Logan rolled his eyes with fondness.

“So instead of doing another movie-night you’d probably miss, we decided to-”

“Take a group nap!” Patton interrupted.

“…take a group nap,” Roman finished with a laugh.

“Pat! We agreed Roman was going to say it!” Virgil said into the microphone.

“I know, but I got excited!” he excused himself.

“Wait, a group nap?” Logan cut down their discussion. He was visibly confused. “Isn’t it midday in Buenos Aires?”

“And 11am here in New York,” Virgil continued.

“Same in Florida!” Patton added.

“Then how are you going to sleep?” Logan asked, always the sceptical.

Roman shook his head, enjoying this moment way too much.

“You know Specs, I always say I’d low the moon for any of you. So I thought, why not bring the night too? Ready guys? Three, two, one…”

In almost perfect synchrony, the three of them turned on their cameras, and every little square revealed their faces, in complete darkness.

“What…” Logan began.

“Didn’t think we could make it, huh?” Virgil smirked. The blinds of his window were down, and the door was securely closed as to avoid any beam of light from entering the room. He was surrounded by a pile of pillows and covers that acted as the perfect comforter in his twin-sized bed.

“Can’t blame me for that,” Logan said. Both his face and his voice held a pleasant surprise. “Never figured you’d come up with this to begin with.”

“I knew he’d like it,” Patton sighed happily. He was under the cover of his bed, only a soft hue of luminescence filtering through the fabric. He was even dressed in his Pretty Pyjamas, as he called them, the ones he used for special occasions. The material looked so soft, Roman almost wanted to go to sleep by just seeing it.

“Of course he’d like it!” Roman said, minding to keep his voice low as to not break the atmosphere. “It was my idea!”

He didn’t use any sophisticated system to bring the night to his room. He let his heavy curtains down, covering the glass with an old poster just for good measure. He lied on his bed, balancing the laptop on his lap as he made himself comfortable against the wall.

Logan didn’t say anything. He simply watched them talk, mouth barely agape and eyes looking astounded.

“So?” Virgil asked, clearly nervous at the lack of response. “What do you say?”

Logan snapped back to reality with a series of blinks.

“Uh… I, I like the idea,” he smiled. “But wait, how long are you going to sleep? Aren’t you going to miss hours of your day?”

Roman shrugged. “You’ve done it for us before.”

“But…”

“Don’t you dare play the ‘this is different’ card on us,” Virgil threatened lightly, “‘cause it won’t work.”

“And since you keep insisting on sleeping on us every Friday-”

“It’s not every Friday,” he pursed his lips.

“-at least now we’re all doing it together!” Patton finished. “Now, under the covers you go.”

“Ohh, Patton’s getting _bossy_ tonight,” Roman joked.

“Roman,” Virgil said, “shut up,”

He chuckled to himself, positioning the laptop on his bedside table with the camera pointing down at him. The others did the same so they could still be seen on each other’s screen. The only one still sat upright was Logan, who didn’t appear to be comfortable leaving his confusion anytime soon.

“Specs?” Roman asked. “What are you waiting for?”

“I…” he closed his eyes briefly, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Would you prefer we didn’t?” Patton inquired.

“No! I just…” Logan sighed. “I guess I’m grateful. Thank you.”

“Aww, that’s sweet,” Virgil said. “Now lay down before I fall asleep on you.”

Logan chuckled, putting books and chargers aside in favour of laying down on the bed. His laptop was right beside him, the camera pointing directly at his face. Logan gave them a smile, which should be a threat being up close, and stifled a yawn.

“Good night,” he said. “And again, thank you.”

“Good night, everybody,” Patton said with a happy smile.

“Night,” Virgil said, fighting a yawn of his own.

“Dream with the angels,” Roman offered.

Logan looked at the screen and said, “I’m pretty sure I will.”

With the earphones still plugged in, Roman closed his eyes. The world began to drift off as the shadows of his room embraced him, pushing him towards a dreamy realm. Three other breathing sounds acted as a lullaby, sending him further and further into Sleep Land. In no time, the four boys were sound asleep. Four heartbeats slowing down in synchrony to a beat no one else could imitate. For a couple of hours, nothing could break the peaceful aura that settled around them. It was as if Campbell, New York, Florida and Buenos Aires became a single place. In the comfort of sleep, Roman could almost feel three other bodies warming him up at once.

It’d been the best nap of his life.


	2. Ghosts of your past don't change us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing childhood pictures

“So we’ll probably meet with some friends on the weekend,” Virgil continued. “Something chill, nothing too big.”

“But they’re your sixteens!” Patton grinned into the camera. Logan had to look down. Patton’s smiles were always too bright, he could rarely stare at them too long before finishing his coffee. “You have to make it special.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, reclining in his chair, “You say that about all our birthdays, Pat”

“Well, of course,” the other said, the camera moving as he shifted on his bed, “you all are special.”

“Please, stop,” Virgil said, and even with the long-distance connection Logan could see the blush across his cheeks. “You’re making Mr what-are-emotions feel things before 6 am.”

“It’s 7 am, mind you,” Logan said, avoiding entirely the other part of the question. “And I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve _never_ said that.”

“Liar,” Virgil accused him with mischief in his eyes. If Logan’s heart skipped a beat, he wouldn’t say.

“You’re still okay with us sending you gifts, right?” Patton asked, making them go back to the important topics.

“If you didn’t send them I’d fly to all your houses to kick your butts. That might be like, the only thing I like about my birthday.”

Patton chuckled, “Okay, just checking! Didn’t want to do something bad.”

Virgil clicked his tongue. “You can’t do worse than Alex. He literally made me a surprise party for my twelfth birthday _in front of all our class_ ,” he said, putting the microphone of his earphones closer to his mouth. They couldn’t help but laugh, “Do you know how _mortifying_ that was?! They were holding cards, the teacher had a camera. I wanted to hide under my desk for the entirety of the first period.”

“Birthday surprises can be tricky,” Patton conceded, the sound of a giggle still lingering on his voice.

“Tell me about it,” Logan huffed. “You know my room is on the top floor with a window facing the street? Well, Charlotte wanted to surprise me by throwing stones at my window and catch me with a breakfast she prepared.”

“That’s cute,” Virgil said.

“Yes, and it would’ve been lovely,” Logan snorted, “if I hadn’t been wearing my noise canceling headphones.”

“Well, at least she tried!” Patton offered.

“Was he mad about it?” Virgil asked.

“No,” Logan shook his head. “Not initially. But then it started to rain…”

Virgil laughed into his hand, and on the other camera Patton rolled back to his pillow. The noise of their laugh brought a smile to Logan’s face. His screen covered briefly by a notification Logan pressed straight away.

“Roman’s trying to get into the call,” he said.

“Yay, he must be back from the movie!” Patton said, flashing a smile that would make stars shy away.

“Tell him we don’t want to be with him anymore,” Virgil said with a smirk.

He couldn’t answer with more than a look before a fourth square appeared with Roman’s face in the forefront. He was possibly trying to place the phone in a good position, so Logan had a close up of the way his boyfriend’s eyes lit up the moment he could see them.

“Hey,” he said with a smile that had been in many of Logan’s dreams. “How you doin’?”

“Ugh,” Virgil covered his face with his hands, “Friends reference? You see, that’s why we broke up with him.”

“You what?” he frowned.

“He’s joking,” Logan assured him with a wink.

“How was the movie?” Patton asked.

“Very good actually!” Roman said, running a hand through the mat of curls on his forehead. He was dressed with a black sweater that hung closely to his torso, the rim a bit below the waist of his tight blue jeans. Logan couldn’t tear his eyes away as the other went to open the doors of his closet. “For a film that Remus had suggested I was surprised to find there was like, barely blood involved.”

Patton snorted, “That’s a new one.”

“I know, right?!” Roman turned his head towards them before taking the sweater off.

“Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing?” Virgil frowned.

“What? I want to get comfortable,” Roman smiled.

Virgil clicked his tongue. “Such a shame. You looked _fine_ _af_ with that.”

Logan stifled a chuckled against his cup of coffee while Roman arched an eyebrow at Virgil’s big smile.

“Did I?” he said, and his tone twisted with challenge. “What about now?”

Roman started taking off his shirt, and Logan almost choked on his drink. He made a whole show out of it, moving his hips to the sides and all, and they couldn’t stop the eruption of laughter.

“Hang on, please hang on,” Virgil said from his computer, getting closer to the screen.

In no time, the song ‘The Striper’ by David Rose blasted through their sound systems. Roman had to throw his head back for the cackle. He continued with the ‘exposition’ while Patton cheered, Virgil whistled and Logan gave silent claps. Celebrating his boyfriends’ shenanigans wasn’t a good excuse for waking up his family.

Roman started slowly turning around, wiggling his butt, the _fucker_ , when Patton stopped with his cheers and brought the phone to his eyes.

“Ro, what is that on your back?”

Virgil paused the music and leaned over like Logan did. Roman frowned at the ceiling, his hand going almost by instinct over a thin long line that crossed the small of his back. As soon as he touched the scar, understanding washed over his face.

“Oh, that one-” he snorted, picking a t-shirt and pulling it over his head, “that’s a funny story, actually.”

“Of course it is,” Logan said, deadpanning at the screen.

Roman picked up the phone from his desk and threw himself at his bed, propping himself up on one elbow as he lied on his side.

“Remus and I were… eleven years old,” he did the math looking up. “Back when my parents were together. They’d taken us to this birthday to the um… well, we call them ‘countries’ here? Like a nice house you have in the middle of the countryside? But it’s like, a relatively nice house.”

“Like this one?” Virgil says.

Logan receives a message from their group chat, where Virgil sent pictures of a very pretty home, way too pretty for being in the middle of nothing.

“Exactly!” Roman’s face lights up with recognition. “Something like that. So, we are there, two stupid young boys with nothing to do but wait until we went back home. Then Remus sees a tree, and dares me to climb higher than him.”

“Oof, I can see where this is going,” Patton said, scrunching his face.

Roman chuckled, “Yeah, so we started climbing, and the asshole tried to go even higher when his hand slipped from the branch.”

“Oh my God,” Logan muttered.

“So I tried to steady him, but ever since we were born he’s had a grudge against me, so…”

“He made you fall?” Virgil completed.

“Yup,” Roman said, popping the ‘p’. “Thing is, he gets down, seeing I started crying like a baby, and goes for mum and dad. Seems like something stuck in the fall, so they had to take me to the closest public hospital to take it out with surgery, and let me tell you, that was a _very long_ wait.”

“Painful too, I suppose,” Logan frowned.

Roman snorted, “You can’t even imagine. But it was alright. After the surgery I only had a pretty scar on my back and a very funny story to tell.” His face lit up before standing up. “Hang on, I think I have pictures of me the day after the surgery.”

They saw as the background behind Roman’s face changed from the illuminated room to the vaguely lit hallway. Soon they saw the orange walls of his living room, where they could hear the rumble of Roman’s mum’s voice.

“ _Hablo con los chicos_ ,” he said, looking forward. Then a smile came to his face while he took out the headphones. “She wants to say hi.”

Roman’s mother appeared on the screen, waving her hand with a bright smile similar to her son’s.

“Hi boys!” she said with a heavily marked accent.

“Hi Martha!” Patton waved back.

“Nice to see you,” Logan said, which Roman translated for her.

“Hang on, I’ve been practicing my Spanish,” Virgil said before clearing his throat, “ _Hola Marta, cómo estás?_ ”

She laughed and said something to Roman in Spanish that Logan didn’t understand. Roman chuckled in turn before looking back at them.

“She says she’s okay. _Hey, Ma,_ ” he said to his mum _, “where’s the photo album? I want to show them a few pics_.”

“ _With the CDs,”_ she said, and Roman was moving again. “ _Deciles que los quiero_.”

“She says she loves you.”

“Aww, love you back!” Patton yelled into his phone. Logan thought it was the cutest thing ever.

Roman sat on the floor, and turned the camera the other way so they saw a green book open on the floor. It was filled with pictures of who Logan assumed were the twins when they were younger. He saw the pages flip until Roman’s finger practically stabbed one of the pics.

“There!” he said. “I thought it was fucking insane the scar was that big.”

“Owwww,” Patton cooed. “You looked so cute!”

“You say that as if I wasn’t cute now.”

“Maybe,” Virgil said. “But this version of you looks less stupid.”

“Bitch, that version of me fell from a tree?”

“Yeah,” Virgil smirked, “Now that you say that, I can’t see the difference.”

Logan chuckled. Although being honest, it was clear the kid in front of him was the younger version of the Roman they knew. He had the same lively brown eyes, and a head full of brown curls that looked even thicker in the picture. He was lifting a red t-shirt to show the newly formed scar that crossed his back. He was even _pointing_ at it. The grin of his face said how proud he was of it.

“I can’t believe you were smiling like that,” Logan said. “It _was_ a pretty stupid way to get scarred.”

“Hey, your boy’s not afraid of cameras now and he wasn’t back then,” Roman said, making them snort. “I mean, look at this beauty!”

He showed them other pics, of even younger versions of himself. In some of them, Remus was also there, no grey streak mixed with his own curls. In one of the pictures, where the two of them had equal white overalls and one schoolbag each, they posed in front of a green gate. Roman had a broad smile, two teeth missing from the very cute beam.

“That one’s from our first day at elementary school,” he told them. “I wanted to show everyone I’d given two teeth to the Perez mouse.”

“The what?” Logan asked. He always loved when Roman told them about little parts of his culture they had no knowledge of.

“It’s like the tooth fairy, except it’s a mouse? I don’t know, I never knew why it’s different here.”

“Wait, I think I have a picture like that, hang on a sec.”

Virgil disappeared from the frame, leaving them with the sight of a room covered in posters in black, red and brown tones. Roman swapped the camera again, winking at them before sitting with his back to the wall. Logan decided to put his books away, knowing there’d be no use on trying to continue with his homework. Not with a distraction like them _._

When Virgil came back, he was golding a frame close to the computer screen.

“I don’t know if you guys can see it, it’s-”

“Oh for God’s sake,” Roman gapped, “you had brown hair!”

Virgil laughed. His hair was now covered in many shades of purple, it’d been from the day they met. He never told them what colour it’d been before, not like they ever asked.

In the picture, Virgil couldn’t be older than seven years old. He smiled shyly at whoever was taking the photo, holding his backpack as close to his chest as he could. Logan felt his heart melt at the small green eyes that looked at him from the frame, the excitement and fear both battling for dominance in his look.

“You had a bowl cut,” Patton remarked, prompting a bout of laughter from Roman that his own mother told him to keep down.

“ _Perdón, Ma_ ,” he said before turning back to them. “Damn, you looked so cute!”

“You all are lucky I like you, or I’d have to kill you before you told anyone I used to look like this,” Virgil said, but his lips were stretched into an adorable smile.

“Your secret’s safe with us,”Logan assured him.

“What about you, Lo?” Roman asked. “Cause I literally can’t imagine you as anything other than the hot face you’re wearing right now.”

“Shut up,” Logan said, knowing by the others’ giggles and the heat on his cheeks that his entire face was red. “I’ll see what I can find.”

He took the phone with him, taking it to the receiving hall where he knew his mum kept the pictures of them. He swapped the camera to show them a tiny frame, where the image of a younger him had it’s face framed by a white square. It was much younger than the others, five years maximum. He had round brown glasses a bit lighter than his eyes, and his black hair fell all over his forehead instead of being combed into the quiff he used now.

As expected, he heard the wave of _‘awws’_ and _‘owws’_ in seconds.

“That is so damn cute,” Virgil whispered.

“I wish I was there to pinch your cheeks because look at them!” Roman said. “They’re squishy! Why did you grow them out?”

Logan frowned, “That was not my decision at all.”

“Listen, I love the serious handsome cheekbones you’ve got, but…” he repeated, _“squishy_!”

“You were a beautiful kiddo, Lolo.”

Patton sat there, looking with tenderness into his phone.

“Pat?” he asked. “Are you okay?”

He seemed to recover from the zone out he got into, blinking a few times before nodding.

“Yes! I uhm… I was wondering if I could, like, show some of my pictures?”

“Oh please, I want to see your squishy cheeks too, I know you have them,” Roman said with an excited grin.

Patton smiled quickly, before picking up his phone and moving down another hall. He let his arm hang loosely by his side, which meant they couldn’t see him as he walked. He was awfully quiet for a few seconds, in which Logan and the others shared a worried look.

“Pat?” Virgil asked. “Uh, you know you don’t… have to show us, right?”

“What?” He picked the phone back up, eyes cast down as he presumably searched through the pictures. “No, but I want to!”

“Okay…” Logan said, “if it’s what you want and not because you feel pressured.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he rushed to say with a nod. “Just, let me find…”

They heard the sound of a box opening, and several things being taken out of it, mostly papers. Patton had a shaky smile as he faced them again.

“Okay,” he exhaled. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah?” Virgil said.

“Well, here it goes!”

Patton swapped the camera, and what he showed them was… unexpected.

It was a big picture, the size of Logan’s school notebook. Delimited by the delicate frame with earthly themes, there was the photo of a girl.

Logan looked closer. It had a huge resemblance to his boyfriend. Same kind amber eyes, same beautiful sandy waves, except with a length bellow the shoulders. The same breathtaking smile that lit up every room without needing to switch on the lights. But in the picture there was a clip between the eyebrows, one that made the person shown there look… tense.

“I was eleven years old,” Patton said. His voice was horribly low, without the usual humour Logan had grown accustomed to. It was improper of him. “Before… before transitioning.”

He swapped the camera back, and the girl from the photo was gone, like she’d never existed on the first place. The three of them were serious, no words coming in as Patton scratched nervously the side of his nose.

“I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now,” he said. His voice still had a slight tremor. “I just couldn’t find a way to begin. Uh, I hope… I hope you don’t feel like I’ve been lying to you, or-”

“What?” Virgil frowned. “No, Pat, not at all!”

Patton snorted, looking down at his knees.

“Good to know.”

Roman’s eyes moved left and right into the camera, surely looking at the others, before he clicked his tongue and pursed his lips.

“You looked really cute, y’know?”

Patton looked up, smiling tightly at his phone.

“Thanks, Ro.”

“For real,” Roman asserted with a nod. “I was right, your cheeks _were_ squishy.”

Patton chuckled nervously. Logan and Virgil frowned at almost the same time. They had no idea where Roman was going with this.

The Argentinian boy pursed his lips, as his eyebrows pulled closer in thought.

“But you know? I think I prefer actual Patton, all the way down.” He nodded a few times, and Logan began to catch up on his intentions. “Yeah, definitely. Short hair suits you ten times better, man.”

“Sure,” Logan said before knowing he was going to speak. “Uh, It frames your face better.”

“And your, uh, cheeks. Yeah, your cheeks,” Virgil said pointing at his face with one finger. “They look, like, squishier?”

A small chuckle left Patton’s lips, which were trembling on their way up to the tiniest of smiles.

“Plus I love that your freckles are more noticeable now, I wouldn’t be able to see them with the long waves!”

“Also, I think the glasses look way better with your face totally clear.”

“And it lets us see your eyes, dude, it’d be a shame if we couldn’t see them, they’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Your voice was a bit more high-pitched too, right? Because I prefer it much more the way it is now, it’s always _so_ soothing to hear you talk through my headphones.”

“And you still rock those pastel tones. Slaying like the king you are.”

“Oh that is a given, specially with the way his smiles look brighter, have you all noticed that too?”

“Absolutely.”

“One hundred percent.”

A small tear fell before Patton could catch it, but despite the following waterfall on his cheeks, he still smiled as if they’d brought the very stars to him. In moments like this, Logan hated the distance. He hated every inch of land, every drop of water with a fervent passion, more than he’d hated anything before. Because there was nothing in the universe he wanted more than being able to wrap his arms around Patton and protect him from the rest of the world.

One look at the other’s was enough to know he wasn’t the only one thinking about it.

“Thank you, for real,” he said through the tears. Then he exhaled, his smile doing the impossible by going even wider. “Gosh, I was so nervous to tell you! I mean, I’ve been wanting to, but I never… This was just the perfect chance!”

“Thanks so much for telling us,” Roman said. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to do so.”

“I trust you all, very much,” Patton assured them with an honest look. “I was just… scared.”

“About what?” Logan asked. He knew they wouldn’t have pushed him away, did he?

“I don’t know, that you’d be repulsed? That you wouldn’t want me with you if you knew I was-”

“You’re Patton,” Virgil interrupted him. “That’s all we need to know. You’re the guy that reminds us all to eat and drink water because it’s good for our health.”

“The one that insists I take breaks in between work so I don’t burn out,” Logan continued.

“The one and only person that makes our lives brighter,” Roman completed. “And that’s never going to change.”

Patton sniffed, silently wiping the remaining tears as three loving smiles waited for him on his phone.

“You’re really out of this world,” he said. “Three literal angels, incredible, and sweet, and wonderful, and… and… gosh I ran out of things to say.”

“Hey,” Logan called him, “why don’t you go for a few tissues and we play some Quiplash, huh? You love that game.”

“Oh, _yes!_ ” Roman fist-bumped the air. “I’ll tell mum we’re eating later.”

“Oh then prepare yourselves, I don’t care we’re in a relationship, I’m going to _destroy you_ ,” Virgil said, rubbing both of his palms together.

Patton looked at his screen and creaks appeared next to his eyes by how much he was smiling. Logan knew the feeling. Everyday he was more and more convinced that whatever they had, no matter the name they put to it, was one of the best things of his day-to-day. And he wouldn’t give it away for the world.


	3. We're the secrets we share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling them what you've never told your irls

**Ro:** alright, what about this one?

_Ro sent a picture_

**Lolo:** Oh my Goodness…

 **Vee:** JDGFJSDGFSJGFJSGF ROMAN-

 **Ro:** is it good?

 **Vee:** BITCH IT’S HILARIOUS

Patton stifled a laugh against his hand. Silly traditions like this would always make up for the slightly cold weather that fell on Gainesville.

Some time ago, during Patton’s first birthday since the four of them knew each other, He woke up at 3 am by the sound of an incoming message from Virgil. With no context whatsoever, he sent a picture and the words “happy birthday, fam”. The photo itself was a very weird picture of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, with their faces cropped out and pasted on top of theirs.

“Virgil… why?” Logan had asked on the groupchat.

“I don’t know, man, it was hilarious,” had been Virgil’s response, and they found it so funny the four of them had the picture printed and framed somewhere around their rooms. After that it became a tradition, creating every year a more “cursed” image where they could Photoshop their faces into.

This time, Roman had blessed them with the vision of their faces —taken from different Instagram photos— as those of the Scooby Doo mystery gang. A flow of keysmashes and laughing emojis soon filled the chat, even from Logan, who tried to pretend he didn’t find it funny at all.

 **Vee:** but there’s a fail in your logic, _genio_

 **Ro:** I will let go the fact you sarcastically called me genius because I _am_ a genius

 **Ro:** but what’s up?

 **Vee:** i can’t be fred, i am not that tall

 **Lolo:** Didn’t you say you were 5 ft 5?

 **Vee:** …….

 **Vee:** hoe much do you think five ft is??

 **Vee:** *how

 **Ro:** _hoe_

 **Vee:** shut up

 **Pat** : Idk, average?

 **Pat** : is it really that short????

 **Vee:** remember how i told u janus was 6ft right?

 **Pat** : ….yeah?

_Vee sent a picture_

Now Patton couldn’t keep the giggles in, forgetting entirely he was in the cafeteria. The photo depicted a very grumpy-looking Virgil, with both arms crossed over his chest, next to his older brother Janus.

_Who was an entire head taller than him._

**Ro:** OH FFS

 **Lolo** : That… is a lot.

 **Pat:** Virgil!!!!! You’re so!!!!! Tiny!!!!!!!!!

 **Ro:** a literal child!!!!

 **Pat:** A frigging minion!!!!!!

 **Lolo:** Wait, does that mean that’s our height difference too?

 **Ro:** _I think I’m going to faint_

 **Ro:** that’s so. damn. cute

 **Vee:** please don’t make me think about it

 **Vee:** if your heart feels at least something for me, _please_ don’t make me think about it

Patton was about to type a response, thinking how many emojis were too many emojis, when he heard someone clear their throat. He looked up, and saw all his friends looking at him with varying levels of… worry?

“Oops, silly me,” he said, leaving the phone on the table. Sure his partners wouldn’t mind. “I got distracted with the guys again.”

There were a couple of seconds of uncomfortable silence before Emily smiled at him.

“Sure, Pat. So, as I was sayi-”

“No,” Julian said. He’d talked in a low voice, but it made all the table go quiet. “This can’t keep going on like this.”

“Like what?” Patton asked.

“We’ve talked about it, it’s not our business, Jules,” Martin tried to ease the waters, but Julian shook his head with determination.

“No, this has to stop now.”

“Is everything okay?” Patton tried again, feeling at a complete loss as to what was going on.

Julian looked at him, and the frown on his face was too serious for Patton’s liking.

“Patton, this has to stop now,” he said. “We know you are lying.”

“Lying?” Patton frowned in turn. “About what?”

Julian sighed, seemingly irritated with having to have this conversation on the first place.

“We know you don’t have three long-distance boyfriends.”

Patton felt his awkward smile slip entirely. His three friends waited for his response, Julian with an intense glare, Martin and Emily avoiding his eyes entirely.

“You… you’re joking, right?” He took his time to look at them, but their silence was enough of an answer. “You really think I made that up?”

“I mean,” Emily said, “it does sound a bit… sketchy?”

“Sketchy?” Patton repeated, arching an eyebrow under his blond waves.

“It’s not like everyone has that many partners,” Martin continued. “Like, if you said you had a boyfriend living in New York, it’d be reasonable. But three?”

“But I’ve shown you their pictures!” Patton contradicted. They couldn’t be saying this, not really.

But Julian proved him wrong. “No, you’ve showed us _some_ pictures of _some_ boys, who you’ve got no proof of actually knowing in real life.”

“And you really went as far as saying one of them was from Aren… Agre… how was it?” Emily wrinkled her nose as she asked.

“Argentina…” Patton felt as small as a mouse.

“Exactly,” she leaned back in her chair. “That’s not even a real country!”

Patton looked down at his phone, still lying face down on the table. He wondered what the guys would be talking about right now, and how much he’d prefer to think about that than having to face this conversation. Julian placed a hand on his shoulder, and the pity on his eyes only made Patton feel more sick.

“It’s okay, Pat,” he spoke in a calm voice that somehow made his words sound even worse. “You don’t have to keep faking. We’ll still like you if you’re single instead of making shit up.”

“We love you for who you are, not how many partners you could have,” Emily continued.

Martin gave him what he’d intended to be a supporting smile. But the sight of it only brought a turmoil in his stomach.

Conversation moved on, and soon they forgot about the little intermission. Patton, however, didn’t say a word until lunch break was over. Once he was in class, he hung to his phone under the desk as if feeling it between his fingers could make the growing sadness go away.

* * *

“Winter,” Virgil leaned over towards the camera.

“Summer,” Roman said, equally close and with as much intensity.

“Snow is better.”

“Have you tried pool parties?”

“Yeah, and they _suck_.”

Roman breathed in dramatically, “How could you say that to me? Logan! Tell the gremlin I’m right.”

“You can’t ask Logan to get on your side!” Virgil protested. “That’s like, super cheating!”

“Oh, you won’t let your boyfriend speak his mind in such an important subject?” Roman continued. “Because that’s pretty effed up, my little dude.”

“Call me little one more time…” Virgil threatened.

Roman narrowed his eyes.

“ _Child_.”

“That’s it, you’re out of this relationship!”

“How could you?!”

“Can I say something?” Logan asked.

“No!” the other two replied.

Patton saw how Logan sighed as the other two continued with their made-up fight. They liked to apparent like their arguments were a show-stopping number that placed the state of their relationship in a fragile place, but the curled ends of his lips always gave them away.

This week’s topic was the holidays, since they were approaching. With half of them living under the ecuator and the other two above it, it was wild the level of differences their cultures had around something as universally common as Christmas and New Years Eve. The moment Roman mentioned there was no thing as ‘a white Christmas’ in Argentina, Virgil lost his mind.

“But you miss all the great things about Christmas!” he insisted, opening both arms by his sides. “There are no hot themed lattes, no sitting near a fireplace, tell me you don’t have turkey and I will die for you.”

“Ok, firstly, this is latinophobic,” Roman said.

“Roman, you say every mild inconvenience you have is latinophobic,” Logan reasoned.

“And secondly!” he continued, making the others to crack up a little, “Not all of us can afford those things, Mr I-have-all-Sims-expansion-packs!”

“They’re like twenty dollars!” Virgil excused himself.

“Do you have any idea how much that is here?!” Roman almost yelled. A _‘shhh’_ coming from outside the room made him turn slightly to say _‘perdón’_.

“You see? Martha’s also with me,” Virgil teases him.

“You couldn’t be more wrong about that, buddy, leave my mum out of this!”

“In my opinion,” Logan interrupted, “Christmas on summer sounds far less stressful than Christmas on winter.”

Virgil arched an eyebrow. “We have two weeks of recess, it’s not that bad.”

“That’s nice,” Logan smiled. “We have three months.”

Virgil’s jaw fell as Roman imitated explosion noises.

“Lo, if I were in front of you right now, I’d ask you to marry me immediately.”

Patton could barely bring himself to smile at the way Logan tried to hide his blush. Roman’s winning expression seemed to go beyond having a point in his favour for the debate. It was so adorable…

And so far away…

“Whatever,” Virgil leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest as his chair swiveled to the side. “It’s impossible to win when you two team up. C’mon Pat, give me a hand here.”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he tried to feign the more cheerfulness he could. He didn’t want to worry them with his bad thoughts. “Maybe they’re both good?”

But the act wasn’t as flawless as he thought it would’ve. The teasing went away from their eyes as soon as they heard his tone. Patton already felt bad enough, he tried not to say the involuntary ‘sorry’ before making it worse.

“Is everything okay?” Virgil prompted.

“Yeah!” he lied.

“Patton.” He didn’t like the tone of Logan’s voice. He was serious, but he sounded… so worried. “You know what we agreed from the first day. For this to work out, we need to be honest about our issues so we can fix any problem.Communication is important. We just want to help, okay?”

“Even if you just say there’s something bothering you that you want to talk about later,” Roman continued. “We only need to know if there’s something going on.”

Oh for God’s sake… they were always so comprehensible with him. Patton felt even worse bringing this up.

“Today uh… my friends and I were talking.” They looked at him, respectfully giving him the time he needed. Only then Patton gathered the strength to continue. “Have you ever thought about the fact that we never held hands?”

That seemed to throw them off. He saw them blink, frown and lift eyebrows. Of course they’d be confused.

“I mean, we never touched each other,” Patton explained. He huffed. “Isn’t that crazy? Like yeah, we are in a relationship, but it’s all just a screen, isn’t it? Don’t you ever feel like this is just all artificial, like I don’t know… fake, somehow?”

He noticed how as he spoke their expressions went blank as paper, almost like their faces. It was as if all the colour had washed away from them.

“Is—” Roman cleared his throat, “is that… how you feel?”

“Like we… As if we weren’t…” Virgil said, but he couldn’t finish his words. He looked like he was going to faint.

And Logan was simply speechless.

“Yeah. I mean, no,” Patton shook his head. “It’s not that _I_ feel like I don’t… like what we have.” The collective breath take made Patton’s heart break a little more. “But don’t you think that’s how it looks? I’m sure what I feel is real, but… is all of this a thing? Even if we’ve never seen each other face to face, breathed the same air, heck, looked into each other’s eyes?”

They didn’t say anything. Patton wasn’t expecting them too. It _was_ a huge thing to say.

“I’m sorry,” he closed his eyes. “I ruined the entire mood, didn’t I? Let’s just forget about this and mo-”

“I write poetry.”

Patton frowned. Looking up, he noticed both Roman and Virgil had similar expressions. Logan stared down at his hands.

“It’s silly,” he said. “Stupid, if you think of it. It doesn’t even rhyme, but… I don’t know, it makes me feel calm after I took everything out of my chest.”

He looked back at the camera, and the smallest smile that hung from his lips made Patton’s heart beat its way to his throat.

“No one knows that about me,” he continues. “Not even my dad.”

They knew Logan’s relationship with his dad was very strong. Patton couldn’t feel a sense of pride bloom in his chest. But why…?

“I’ve read a poem once that said,” Logan spoke, this time getting closer to the screen. His face was clear as day, allowing him to see his eyes as they nervously moved through something off-camera. “ _For every secret whispered in the darkness after dusk, and all the stories you have told me under a blanket in no rush; they’re what make up what is true in my mind and in my heart_.”

Patton felt the familiar tug at the corners of his mouth and the sweet feeling that came with hearing Logan read to them, every single time.

“ _As everything else fades away_ ,” he kept reading, “ _with every second that ticks by, it’s the little things I’ve known that no one else has, what prove you were as real as the old sun’s light_.”

“It’s a beautiful poem,” Virgil said, smile as warm as Patton’s chest.

“It is,” Logan said, “but it holds an important truth. The more I know about y’all, with every secret you share… You couldn’t be more real for me if I were to hold you in my hands. It’s not about what we see, or what we touch. It’s about what we _know_. If you know another soul in way no one else does, then how can any of it feel like a dream, when it feels so vivid and real?”

Roman snorted, the sound coming higher through his headphone’s microphone.

“I… I’m still afraid of the dark,” he muttered. “Not like it paralyzes me or anything, but… I feel icky when I’m alone in a room with no light, y’know? My mind starts to act and once the imagination takes over…” A chill shakes his torso and moves his head to the sides. “Anyway, I always leave the door of my room open and… I’ve never told anyone why.”

“You are afraid of the dark?” Virgil lifted an eyebrow.

“I’m trying to be sweet here, Penny Dreadful,” Roman frowned.

“Yeah, sorry, you’re right, I feel bad for being a jerk,” the youngest apologised. Then he took a deep breath before looking up at the ceiling. “Guess it’s my turn, uh… Oh!” Virgil straightened himself, “I used to knit with my grandmother.”

“Did you?” Patton asked, leaning closer to the screen.

“Yeah, such a powerful duo, she and I,” Virgil nodded, and nostalgia toned down his features. “It was like our little secret. It always made me feel so much better after I had a panic attack. I’d tell mum I was going to granny’s house and we’d just… knit, in silence. No words crossed between us.”

A shadow fell over him when he lowered his head, his barely coloured bangs covering his eyes.

“When she died,” he spoke, lifting his head again, “I stopped doing it for a while. I didn’t want to tell anyone why I needed her knitting supplies, so… I stopped doing it. But lately I picked the habit up again and, it reminds me of her. Makes me feel less anxious in general.”

They all looked at their screens, and Patton knew it was his turn to tell. But words stagnated in his throat, many sentences running over each other in his brain. He wanted to tell them so much, share as much as he could as if telling them everything there was to know about him would make them feel like he was actually there, if only for the briefest of seconds.

In the end, the right words came out in a whisper.

“Sometimes, when I’m about to go to sleep, I talk to the stars.”

Patton looked outside the window. It was barely 6 pm, but the darkness was bound to cover the sky any time soon. If he forced his ear, he could hear his mother preparing dinner downstairs. But the closest sound he had was one of three sets of breathing. Patton felt grounded to his Earth.

“I asked them for stuff, sometimes. Health. Love. The usual. But mostly, I thank them for other stuff. And more times than I’m ashamed to admit, I circle back to the same topic.”

He turned to look at his computer screen, and he found those three lovely faces that visited him every time he closed his eyes.

“I talk to them about _you_.”

“Whatever your friends said,” Roman shook his head. “Not worth it.

“In the slightest,” Virgil agreed.

“One day, I promise you, all of you, we’ll be able to do everything we haven’t done until now,” Logan spoke, and the three of them shared a tender smile. “But for now, you can rest assured there’s nothing in my life I’m as sure of than what I feel about you.”

They didn’t say anything else. There was no need. In the shine of their eyes, it was clear all of them thought the same.

That night, Patton looked at the sky before closing his eyes. The stars twinkled, blinking adorably as if they were patiently waiting for the ritual to begin. Patton happily obliged.

He told them about Virgil’s sweet eyes, and how much they showed what his words were incapable of.

He told them about Logan’s voice, and how safe he felt whenever he heard that particular timber anywhere close.

He told them about Roman’s smiles, and how just by seeing them, Patton felt his heart about to burst.

Slowly, without being aware of it, Patton began to drift off. And in the dark room, just before finally falling asleep, Patton heard the sweetness in Logan’s laugh, felt the comforting presence of Virgil’s gaze, and found himself smiling at the brightness of Roman’s grin.

It might have felt like a dream, but even after waking up to an empty bed, Patton could swear nothing would ever feel as real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was????? so sweet???? quarantine is _really_ affecting me


	4. In my deepest nightmares, I see you bathed in light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You texted me while drunk and dude, are you okay? Do I call an Uber for you?

**Vee:** I eaant to call yoy

 **Vee:** I meany thay iwant to call toy

 **Vee:** I WANT TO CALL YOU

 _Fuck it_ , Virgil thought as he tapped the icon on the top right of his screen. He didn’t care about time zones. He had to talk to them. Virgil pressed the phone against his ear and looked up. The moon looked so big tonight.

“Hey you,” he said as soon as the call connected.

“Uh, Virge?” Roman’s wonderful voice adventured. “We can’t see you.”

“Shit, is this a videocall?” He must have pressed the wrong button. Still, even better. He put the phone away, and he was granted with the vision of three beautiful, beautiful faces. “Oh, I can see you now.”

“So do we,” Logan frowned. Why was he frowning? He didn’t like it when Logan frowned. “Why-?”

“I called to say that I missed you,” Virgil said. His words tan in together, and if he hadn’t thrown the can to the next house’s backyard he’d be hugging it right now. Damn, he really needed a hug.

“Do you, now?” Roman smiled. Gosh, Virgil could get drunk with that smile.

“Shut it, _Castro_ ,” he tried to emphasise every consonant of his name, vaguely noticing he sounded even more gone. Logan’s frown had given way to a small smile, and Virgil found that a victory.

“Virge?” he asked. “Are you drunk?”

“Oh my God,” Patton said, sleep still present in his voice. Virgil must have woken him up. He wanted to say sorry. Instead, he laughed.

“Maybe a little? The guys brought some beer to the celebration and I didn’t think it’d be too bad. I mean, it _is_ my birthday, right? Roman’s been drinking since he was 14 and he’s alright.”

“That’s debatable,” Logan snickered.

“I take offense on that, Bennett.”

Gosh. Virgil had missed them so much…

It wasn’t like they hadn’t seen each other that day. The obligatory birthday call had been made, and they did sing him happy birthday, much to his own embarrassment in front of his mum and brother. But that wasn’t enough, because he needed them _now_.

“Anyway,” he continued, already feeling the knot in his throat. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“We’ve already talked today, love,” Roman said. He secretly loved Roman’s pet names, all of them. Virgil shook his head as he could.

“No, I wanted to talk to you _again_. I really missed you today.”

He looked up, and the tears prickled in his eyes.

“I wish you were here right now. You just make everything seem so easier. I feel like… like I can completely relax with you, you understand? It’s like, like Patton explained once, like we are… uh, wait, I forgot how he said it…”

“Joined by a thread?” Patton offered, and his voice sounded so cute.

“Exactly!” he said, prompting a laugh from the others. “If I could find that thread, I’d swear I’d pull from it right now, to have you all with me. I really could use a hug or three.”

His vision was already blurry and Virgil wondered if that was the alcohol or the tears. He noticed a demeanor in his partners’ laughs before Logan spoke up.

“Virge, where are you?”

“In Mick’s roof,” he sniffed. “I got here after the uh, fourth beer?”

“ _Ay mi vida_ ,” Roman whispered.

“Kiddo?” Patton asked, sweet as he always did, “Are you crying?”

Virgil only noticed the tears fell from his face when he touched his wet cheeks. He sniffed and brushed them away, but still nodded at his phone.

“What happened?” Logan asked.

“I just… it’s really hard, you know?” Another sniff. “In moments like this I wished more than anything that I could hug you, as tight as I can. I’d love to go to your houses, perhaps throw some stones at your windows just to… to… I don’t even know.”

He ran a hand through his face, smearing the eyeliner he applied earlier that night all over his eyes. In his screen, Virgil saw the smudged black under his eyes, and he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“It’s okay,” Patton tried to soothe him with his angelical voice. “One day we’ll finally meet, and it will be—”

“But what if that doesn’t happen,” Virgil cut him off. “What if we break up before that or, or you get tired of me and dump me? I won’t be able to meet you then!”

“We’d never get tired of you,” Roman shook his head, but Virgil looked down.

“That’s not what _he_ said.”

Silence. Virgil could hear the distant sounds of music coming from below, but other than that it was him, the noises of the night, and three sets of breathing from his phone.

“Virge-”

“Dad came to visit us today,” he said. A car passed on the street below, creating a slight breeze with its speed. Virgil hugged himself tighter. “He said he came to see Jan but I knew he’d want to talk to me.”

“Did he lay a hand in you?” Logan asked, suddenly too serious. Almost angry. Virgil shook his head.

“Didn’t have the time.”

“I’ll call you an Uber,” Roman said, before being interrupted by Patton.

“I will, it’s cheaper for me.”

“Alright, Virgil, love, let’s do something okay?” Roman asked. “How many drinks have you had?”

“Only those four.”

“Alright,” Roman nodded. “Can you stand up?”

“Roman, what if he falls!” Logan reprimanded him.

“Shh, we don’t want him to get paranoid, he’ll be fine.”

Being honest with himself, Virgil knew he couldn’t get paranoid. He didn’t have the energy to do so. But he trusted Roman, so he did his best to stand up in the roof as straight as he could.

“Awesome, sweetheart,” Roman cheered him on. “Now, how did you get to the roof?”

“Through the stairs…”

“Great! Do you think you can get down safely? Do we need to call Mick?”

“I…”

“I’ll call him,” Logan said.

“Did I do something wrong?” Virgil frowned. In the background he could hear Logan talking through his phone, the screen obscured.

“Yes, he’s on the roof right now, do you think you can help him down? … Yeah, we already called a cab…”

“No, Vee,” Roman smiled sweetly. However, even with the alcohol still running through his system, Virgil noticed sadness in his tone. “No, you’re alright.”

In no time, Mick and Sasha appeared on his line of view. They helped him to go down the stairs, one step at a time. All the way to the floor, his phone was still turned on. He didn’t want to lose sight of them, not until he was home. Just as he set his foot on the white tiles, a car parked on the front. His friends asked him a thousand times if he wanted company, but knowing how things were left off at home, he preferred not to bring them with him, saying he’d be alright.

The ride was silent at first. Virgil kept the phone close to his face, by the guys’ request, but he was curled against the backseat door, staring outside the window as Logan tried to make sense of what happened that day.

“What did Janus say?”

Virgil shrugged. “They don’t have a ‘strained relationship’,” he quoted his brother’s words. He loved Janus, with everything he had. But sometimes he could be a bit dense as to why Virgil felt the way he did with certain people. Well, with one person, really. “I think he told him to come. He thinks we can mend our bond or whatever.”

“When did he come to your house?”

Virgil sighed. Outside, a dog chased the car for a moment, but the vehicle gained him in speed.

“Lunch,” he said. “Mum wasn’t there, she was still working at the office.”

“So he didn’t touch you,” Logan continued, this time speaking carefully, “but did he say something to you.”

In the haze of senses, Virgil noticed the driver shifted uncomfortably on his seat. Good. This wasn’t a comfortable conversation for him either.

“We had lunch with him. Mostly because Janus forced me, not because I _wanted to_. I wasn’t planning to talk at all, I’d leave the two of them to play the happy family, didn’t want to take part on that.”

“But?” Roman asked tentatively after a couple of seconds.

“But then he mentioned you.”

“Your dad or Jan?” Patton inquired.

“Jan.” Virgil shook his head. “I felt like, betrayed, you know? He _knew_ what dad thought of it, knew it was going to cause trouble. Why bring it up?”

“Perhaps he thought he’d changed his mind,” Patton offered. Virgil knew he didn’t want him to get bad blood with his brother.

“Well,” Virgil scoffed, “he definitely didn’t.”

“What happened?” Logan asked, finally getting to what the three of them wanted to know.

Virgil took his time, picking at the peeling leather on the backseat.

“Janus told him you sang me happy birthday today. Told him about the pictures, about the gifts, about the cake Patton baked… basically everything.” The memory of his father’s expression twisting was still clear in his head. “He asked me if we were still together, I told him that yes, we were. He asked me if we planned to keep on being together, I told him that yes, we did. He asked me…”

Virgil almost choked on his own tears, the memory too clear. If he closed his eyes, he could even hear the poisonous words again.

“What did he ask you?” Roman’s voice was so filled with anger. Only that allowed him to go on.

“He asked me… if I knew this was temporary. That you’d grow up and realise this was just a silly thing, something kids do on the Internet when they’re bored. That you’ll move past the need to keep this stupid charade going and you’d meet other people, but I wouldn’t. And that the only idiot in this situation was me for thinking this could work at all.”

Virgil made no effort to stop the tears from falling down. No noise came from his phone, nor from the driver, nor from outside. It was a cacophony of silence, that wrapped around him like a blanket full of spikes.

“That’s a lie,” Logan said, and Virgil couldn’t feel more for him even if he tried. “A complete falsehood. You know that, right?”

“Doesn’t make hearing it any easier.”

“Your dad is a jerk,” Roman told him. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, and right now Virgil could hear the underlying impotence in his voice. “And a complete failure at romance, so he shouldn’t be giving you lessons on that area.”

“All those words were a desperate attempt at getting to you,” Logan affirmed. “Don’t let him.”

Virgil sighed. If only he had their temperament, perhaps he could handle this better.

“Vee?”

He perked up at the sound of Patton’s voice.

“Yeah?”

“We…” he moved his eyes, looking at the other squares in his screen, and shook his head. “I think I can speak for all of us, but… this isn’t a ‘just now’ thing. I know your anxiety sometimes gets the best out of you, so I want you to know, what your father said is not true.”

“In the slightest,” Logan agreed, and Roman nodded.

“Knowing you was one of the most beautiful experiences in my life, and I’m so thankful for what we have.” Patton shrugged, “Sure, it could be better. But at least we’re working towards it.”

“Rome wasn’t built in one day, right?” Roman offered brilliantly. Virgil couldn’t fight the smile down even if he wanted to.

“I s’pose not.”

“And listen,” Logan said, “whenever you feel like doubting that, we’ll be glad to prove your fears wrong, okay? We’re all here for each other, no matter what.”

“No matter what,” he repeated. “Thanks guys. I lo-”

“Is this your house?”

Virgil looked outside. The familiar building towered over the car. The lights were off, giving the building a dreadful look. He sighed.

“Yes. Uh, the trip is already paid, right?”

“Yeah,” the driver said. “And uhm, kid?”

Virgil lifted an eyebrow, his hand on the door’s handle. The man hesitated before addressing him with a somewhat caring look.

“Sometimes adults are complicated,” he tried, “but if what you feel is real, don’t let your old man convince you otherwise, alright?”

Virgil hummed. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Have a good night.”

He waved the man goodbye, watching as the car drove off until it was nothing but a red dot. One look at the phone told him the call had disconnected. With a sigh, Virgil tried his best not to make a lot of noise getting into the house.

Surprisingly, he wasn’t the only one up.

“Hey,” Janus said from the armchair. “You look awful.”

“You too,” Virgil said. He stood on the front door, hand still on the doorknob. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act.

Janus eyed him up and down, determining his state, and sighed.

“Mum told me to wait for you, see how you arrived home,” he told him. “I won’t tell her you were drunk.”

“Thanks. Didn’t think you could keep your mouth shut, I appreciate it,” Virgil said with the spite he’d been saving since lunch.

Janus looked downwards at his feet. He was barefoot, Virgil noticed. Dressed in his sleep clothes.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I recognise perhaps telling our dad about—”

“ _Your_ dad.”

Janus pursed his lips. “Fine. Telling _dad_ about the guys was… unnecessary. Didn’t mean to do you any harm, I swear.”

Virgil wanted to stay mad at him, but he was aware Janus had only wanted to help him fix whatever had been broken between them. Such a shame there wasn’t anything to fix on the first place.

“Look, I get why you did it,” he began. “But please, I’m old enough to handle my own relationships, all kind of relationships, by myself, alright? If you want to act as if all he’s done to us didn’t happen, good for you. I don’t want to forget.”

“I respect that,” Janus said.

“Good. Now, don’t tell mum I drank.”

Virgil walked to his bedroom, trying his best not to make any noise, when Janus spoke up.

“I love you.”

Virgil smirked. He knew that much.

“Me, too.” It wasn’t a surprise that he meant it.

After closing his door, Virgil let himself fall headfirst into the bed. Upon feeling a vibration on his pocket, he turned on his phone.

 **Logan:** Have a good rest.

 **Roman:** sleep tight lil drunkard <3

 **Patton:** Dream with the angels!

He smiled.

Next morning, his mother will find him with the same clothes from yesterday, not even his shoes being out of his feet. And in his hand, Virgil’s phone was comfortably tucked, gripped as firmly as he could through his sleep between pale fingers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!! I had this idea a while ago and wanted to share it with you, so if you like it consider leaving a comment, please? See you in the next chapter!!


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